Some Thoughts on True Love

It's almost been a year since Aaron and I were married, and I have learned quite a few things since then.

Because I have learned so much, I have also realized that I know close to nothing.

“The more I live, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I realize the less I know.”
―Michel Lagrand

Since I am a Family Life major I learn a lot about families and marriages and what makes them work. Besides facts and statistics, my classes incorporate our religion's principles, such as eternal families, marriage is the most important human relationship in society, and that parenthood is the most divine role we will ever have. In short, marriage and family are at the center of our beliefs.

Recently, I was writing an assignment for a family/marriage class on my definition of true love, and I had this thought:

True love is sacrifice. 

What is sacrifice, exactly? The surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim. Source

I have learned from experience that marriage takes hard work. You are constantly presented with opportunities for sacrifice, and sacrifice can be pretty hard. This can mean sacrificing your pride to admit your were wrong, it could mean suppressing your desire to eat the last breadstick, and it can also mean sacrificing your desire to watch a chick-flick and instead watching an action movie. Many times your spouse may not even be aware of these little choices/sacrifices you make in your mind, but these seemingly meaningless sacrifices make all the difference to you. 

Remember when you were a teenager/young adult? You made a lot of sacrifices. The only problem is that they were for yourself. You sacrificed helping your mom because you were too busy with your friends. You sacrificed your friend's feelings because you wanted to look 'cool' to the other people watching. You sacrificed many things for the betterment of yourself. Just think about it, you have been given many choices throughout your life, and those choices will either benefit you or another person. Most of the time you choose the option that benefits you.
Whatever (or whomever) you sacrifice for you will eventually love. All of the choices you made that benefited yourself slowly but surely created a deeper love for yourself. When we were married, my budding love for Aaron went head-to-head with the love I had developed for myself over the past twenty-one years.  In order to truly develop love for Aaron I have to make sacrifices, and not just the cliche ones; they have to be deep, meaningful sacrifices. The kind of sacrifices that smother out my selfishness and foster a love for him. These sacrifices are the choices I make everyday, but they make all the difference.

After a year of marriage I have barely begun my journey of erasing the love I have for myself (selfishness) and developing a true love for my husband (selflessness), and sacrifice is an essential tool in this process.

I make mistakes (and so does Aaron), but we know that sometimes we both struggle with the natural urge to love ourselves more than each other. Learning how to sacrifice our personal wants and desires for the betterment of the other person takes a lot of hard work and focus. It is a very difficult and extremely rewarding journey. It will take a long time, but thank goodness we have eternity.

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Prayer

During my Strengthening Marriage and Family class last year I came across a study that involved married couples praying for each other. Researchers found that couples who pray for each other on a daily basis had significantly less addictions to pornography, alcohol, and little or no infidelity or divorce.

I also came across this wonderful story that I would like to share with you. I am quoting from a BYU Devotional given by Bruce R. Chadwick:

"Many years ago a couple asked if I would provide them marraige counseling. I resist such requests since I am not a trained counselor-and, besides, I really don't enjoy doing it, But occasionally circumstances conspire against me and I am forced do to so. This was one of these cases. I had worked with the couple for several weeks, and they had not made any real progress in reducing the anger and conflict. one evening as I waited for them to come to our home, I had a few minutes and opened the scriptures. I decided to read the New Testament to get me in a spiritual mood. One of my favorite sections of the New Testament is the Sermon on the Mount. When I read Matthew 5:43-44, I was struck with a powerful insight.

Ye have herd that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, love your enemies bless them that curse you do good to them that hate you and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

When the couple arrived, I had the husband wait in the living room while I met with the wife in the family room. Then I aked her if we could kneel and pray for her husband; she looked at me like I was crazy. When I explained that I did not want her to pray that he would get run over by a large truck, develop a disfiguring disease, or obey her every wish but rather I wanted her to sincerely pray for the Father to bless her husband with those things that would bring him true happiness, she simply replied, "I can't do it." I had anticipated this response. It is not easy to love your enemy or do good to him. I asked if we could kneel and pray tht she be given the compassion, mercy, and love necessary to do so. We both took turns voicing a prayer, and after she shed a few tears she informed me she was ready to pray for him. A remarkable change in her demeanor toward her husband was immediately obvious. This was real progress.

I ushered her into the living room and invited the husband into the family room. We repeated the same sequence of events. His initial reaction to my request was one of shocked dismay. But later, after offering a sincere prayer for his wife, his attitude and his feelings toward her changed, and some of the earlier love reappeared.  I could see it in his countenance and he could feel it in his heart.
This was our last counseling session. I think the story had a happy ending for the couple. I haven't seen them for several years, but the last time we had contact they were still happily married."

This story is an amazing example of how prayer softens your heart and brings kind, loving feelings back where it seemed they smothered out by dislike and disdain.

Although Aaron and I are happily married, we have still made it a habit to keep each other in our personal prayers. Sometimes when I feel offended or upset, I go into my room and offer a prayer to my Heavenly Father, asking for blessings for my husband and thanking Him for all the wonderful traits that he has. I can't tell you how immediate the change is within myself. It really strengthens my testimony of the importance of making Heavenly Father an active member of our marriage.

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Intentional Marriage

Intentional: 
1. performed by or expressing intention; deliberate.
2. of or relation to intention or purpose.

It was my turn to plan our weekly date for Friday night. I have been working out a plan in my mind for quite some time, and I finally perfected it.

Have you ever thought about the structure of dating, as compared to marriage?  For example, if the two people who are dating do not intentionally make time and schedule dates they would eventually forget about each other and move on. Dating is essentially two people taking time out of their busy schedules to get to know one another. It is planned, it is intentional, it goes against entropy.

Marriage, on the other hand, seems to succumb to entropy more than it should. Spouses seem to feel that living together is enough to keep their relationship alive. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Entropy eventually takes over and the couple finds themselves more like roommates living under the same roof and caring for the same children.

Dr. William Doherty is an amazing marriage and family therapist. He wrote The Intentional Family--a book that is quoted in almost every family life textbook. He describes this phenomenon as "paddling upstream." If you don't keep paddling, you will eventually be swept downstream to a place you did not intend to go.

After marriage--and after the honeymoon effect wears off--couples may find themselves drifting apart. They no longer (or very rarely) text incessantly, plan dates, or schedule time just to be together. Their relationship slowly becomes less and less intentional and more and more just a part of their daily routines. This doesn't necessarily mean that their love is deteriorating, it simply means that their relationship is becoming less intentional and, in some cases, less important compared to other things in their lives.

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Couples can counteract this by creating rituals. Rituals are the glue that hold any relationship together.
Think about it: what defines any relationship in your life? It is most probably the things you do together; the activities that carry some kind of emotion and symbolism.

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Realizing the importance of rituals, Aaron and I decided to sit down and make a list of the rituals (no matter how seemingly insignificant) that are important to us. We made a list of our current rituals, why they are important, and the positive feelings we get from them. We then made another list of rituals that we want start soon.
We both really enjoyed this date night. It was fun to brainstorm rituals that bring us closer as husband and wife, and then verbally discuss the emotions and symbolism behind each ritual.

It is so important for couples to recognize the rituals in their lives that make their marriage more meaningful and bring them closer together. Each couple has their own rituals that they employ; however, according to marriage therapists, there are a few rituals that every couple should include:

1. Weekly date nights (group dates do not count)
2. Go to bed at the same time
3. Spend at least 15 minutes every day talking to each other (should not be about finances, kids, or anything that could create tension)

Aaron and I are going to revisit this list every so often to ensure we never forget the rituals that define us as a couple.

Here are some great articles that are all about intentional marriage and how to get back on track if you've given in to entropy :)

Living an Intentional Marriage
Intentional Marriage--Doherty

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